The other day I kind of let my mind wander and inhabit another human’s. I was trying to view myself through that person’s eyes and I tried to feel out what sort of general opinion they would form based on the interactions they’d had with me.
So I started gathering what I figured was absolutely true and I was pretty indifferent as to the things I know I am (loud, sarcastic, crass,
bitchy, straight-shooter…etc.). Then I started delving into what’s in me that causes me to exude the mannerisms I do. Various moments in my upbringing? Is there a sense of entitlement deep inside me that requires me to act confident without abandon? Have I become so monofaceted (a word I apparently made up judging by the squiggly red line beneath it…always judging!) that people can only see the overbearing parts of me?
I know I can come off as a bit abrasive and harsh…a smart-ass, to be certain. I have high standards when it comes to intelligence and low standards as to what constitutes as fun (Oreos + blue raspberry Kool-Aid + Mage Knight…what up, beeyotches?). I’ve learned that I like what I like, I feel what I feel and I don’t really make excuses for it. I guess I exist without feeling the need to give everything a definition or a title. I know that my Batman nerdisms tend to startle and offend but there are reasons I have a proverbial hard-on for him beyond his cowl and gadgets. I’m also pretty sure I leave people feel like they’ve just been run over by the bitchmobile when I walk away although I don’t intend to come off that way (I swear, I don’t!). I’m sure many people could say I’m overbearing, that I’m a poser or an “almost was”.
Then I had a moment of clarity. I all of the sudden came back to my own brain and through all the mildly healthy picking on myself I realized, this was the first time I had ever consciously remembered caring what people thought about me.
Then I patted myself on the back, had a beer and felt bad for people who obsess over that stuff.
Then I stopped. The end.
Also, I have some relatively exciting news that I’ll break at a later and better date (for all three of you avid readers whom I constantly disappoint by writing every other season wherein we allow our crop fields to lie fallow…sorry, 4H flashback). Obviously, re-reading the drivel I posted above that I REFUSE to delete or edit, I need to whet my writing whistle (ha!) a bit more often.