You have to be very careful with new conditioners and hair products. They promise the much-sought-after and elusive “luscious, soft, volume” promise and leave you with an oily, stringy mess and a need to rewash your tresses. You also may or may not feel the need to murder whoever John Freida is.
Volume? What’s that?
Bobby pins holding up my shit after a washing and blowdrying? Ha, good joke, people. We all know those little bastards are just going to disappointingly slide until they’re hanging out of my half-hearted attempt at an up-do, swinging down toward the nape of my neck making me look like a damned fool.
Cute barrettes, clips and such? Clearly, you’re a crazy person.
Going on a motorcycle ride or daring enough to ride with the top down? You may as well shave your head now because you’re going to lose half your hair in a battle of epic proportions with your hairbrush, post-travels. You may think it’s all tucked away but three strands are going to break loose and just twist and twist and twist, resulting in a ruined life.
Plan on doing any kind of activity past a brisk walk? Better Aqua Net your entire upper body. You know that shit is going to start falling as soon as you leave your driveway.
Plan on curling your hair? See tip number six.
Fly-aways are never not a thing. In fact, just make it a habit to carry around a helium-filled balloon so you can blame static electricity.
Don’t enjoy cleaning the drain-catcher in your shower? Great! Because with your thin-ass hair, that shit slides right past and ends up wrecking your plumbing, completely. Better start saving up for that now.
Remember that old saying that you cannot tie human hair in a knot? It’s lies. FILTHY LIES!