Help! My Baby is Being a Jerk

If you’re reading this now, you either have a jerk baby or you’re wondering what the hell kind of mother I am to refer to my child as a jerk.  Obviously a terrible one.

Well, you’ve come to the right place.

Yesterday, my 25-weeker (or half(ish) year-older, if you’re one of those people annoyed with parents who measure their child’s age in weeks) slowly went from sugar to shit throughout the day.  Waking up with a smile out to her ears and slowly growing to hate everything she once loved…namely da-da, me and my boobs, it seemed.  Even good ole lefty, her favorite one.

Awake with her from 1:30 AM until 3 AM is my favorite thing in the world.  Except it’s not.  So teary and bleary-eyed, rocking a screaming, squirming, pissed-off baby girl, I started writing this post in my head, wondering why in the hell do parents do this to themselves.  Ever.

Here’s a list of things to help you deal with your jerk baby.

1: Don’t lose your shit.

This is important.  Your jerk baby must never feel your anxiety or frustration.  You’re not allowed to leave your jerk baby crying while you step outside, scream into the night as black as your soul and come back in and tend to her.  Under any circumstances.

2: Don’t spoil your jerk baby.

No matter how hard it is to listen to your infant child cry, scream and mewl, do not, under any circumstances, pick them up and cuddle/smell them.  They will become spoiled, turn into adult jerks and burn someone’s garden shed to the ground, one day.  Do you want to facilitate a life of crime for your jerk baby?

I thought not.

3. Do everything possible to not wake your snoozing significant other in the middle of the night.

Yes, you made this baby together but, what, you expect them to interrupt their REM for your jerk baby’s shenanigans?  No, no, no.  You keep that baby quiet!

4. Resist the urge to put baby’s crib outside, thinking a life with wolves or hawks might suit her better.

These animals are predatory and will probably teach your baby to be aggressive.  If she’s already a jerk, aggression will just act as a catalyst and we’re back to the garden shed arson.  Also, you may be watching The Jungle Book too often.  Scale that shit back a tad.

5. Don’t retaliate on your jerk baby by laying on the floor by her crib, waiting for her to finally fall asleep and then crying loudly, waiting for her to anticipate your needs and figure out why the hell you’re crying like that.

On this same token, try not to reply to your baby’s coos and cries with, “I know you are but what am I?”  This only provokes her further.  She will get back at you by shitting her pants at the most inopportune time.  She’ll probably do that anyway, though.  What the hell do I know?

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